Sometimes I wish
this reality could tweak a little
and turn into another.
Like, one in which we could actually fall in love
with each other.
Or better,
where we could be happy forever after.
That would be so nice and sweet.
If only I didn’t have to wish.
written 06 August 2010
what are these creatures of the night
that keep invading my dreams,
poking my ribs and neck,
throwing me back to our dark times,
of when we dyed our eyes
with memories of death?
you brought me a masterpiece,
then took it away from me.
how did I survive my resentment,
rage, and hopelessness?
how did I survive the loss
of your perfection?
we forgot, we forgot to change
the sadness at that moment –
the night when you saw me
purple and gray and empty
and I saw you blank like a page,
we lost each other in a heartbeat.
and we lost our masterpiece.
it could have outgrown us,
could have flown beyond our flesh,
and would have nothing to do with us.
it could have been on its faraway path
and, perhaps, would even be happy.
written 08 September 2010
Even when I am not thinking of you,
I am always thinking about you.
The shadow of the thought involving you
is enough to make me smile,
give me hope, let time slide
down the sides of my eyes
along with the most bitter of my tears
So what remains is no longer fear;
just a calmness I have never felt before
as I slowly set myself on an endless desire
Maybe you really are
my life.
Maybe I need nothing else
but a short moment of truth
masked with expectations
and prior experience.
Maybe you need nothing else
but a single audience
who can never demystify any of your tricks
Maybe all we need is a mutual feeling
or rather, the exact same wish.
What do I know if you never tell?
It is hard, so hard to believe
either of us deserves any of this
We finally see, with our own eyes,
what it is like to be seen
how it feels like to be held
where it hurts the most to be loved.
I doubt I truly feel any of this.
Maybe I’m just too full of shit
to actually know
how to return your love.
But I do not mind, and nor do I care,
when I am with you life seems utterly fair
and makes perfect sense
I would never have to ask
if you are feeling the same way I do.
Even if life stopped right here
I would not be so upset
for my only regret
would be just one:
I could never tell you before I die
how much you make me want to stay alive
in this world
this very world
For A.
who brought out the darkest in me
and perhaps I would never come back
written 09 November 2010
one day, he woke up,
and the day felt like a thousand others.
he reached for the phone and texted her.
she did not respond.
maybe work was busy, he thought.
the day went by. he put
lots of creamer and sugar
in his coffee. the coffee spilled
over the counter, dripped
onto the floor. he sighed and
wiped it carelessly, so it smeared
into brown patches and lines.
he got a book and started to read.
then he put it down and grabbed the phone again.
still no reply from her. he sent another text, asking
where she was. maybe she was very busy, he thought.
the afternoon arrived. he took a nap.
got into a bad dream. something happened,
he forgot. he almost always forgot why
he had cried hopelessly in such dreams.
she still did not write him back.
he wondered if he should call her.
but maybe not.
she got annoyed when work was busy and he called her and she could not talk right away, for she would not stop wondering what it was that he wanted to talk about. and it would probably lead to a small argument, which would lead to bigger arguments, which would end up with her being in tears and him feeling guilty, which would end up with them trying to make it up with sex, which would end up with him not being able to come, which would end up with her feeling upset because he could not come, and him feeling incompetent because she could not come either, and them being all melancholic and what not, and so on and so forth.
so he decided it was best not to call her.
she did not come home at the usual hour.
he kept glancing at the door, peaking his ears to noises from the street
the way a dog waited for its owner to be home at a certain time.
with every passing minute he grew more and more worried.
he texted her again. then immediately after called her.
and he called and he called and he called.
it kept going into voice mail.
he hated voice mail. he left her a few messages.
no responses.
she got home a few hours after,
looking tired as usual. apologized for being late.
said traffic was bad, then she got too hungry she
stopped at a diner and had a quick bite.
she wanted to call him but there was no reception.
her phone was acting up.
something like that.
he did not really smell food from her
not that he had enough time to take a sniff
for she had gone straight to the bathroom
to take a shower. when she got out,
he was sitting at the table, staring into the air
into nothing. her scent was soft, familiar,
and he could feel her smile and gaze upon him.
she sat down and kissed the side of his forehead,
asked him if he had eaten dinner.
he said he was not hungry. she took his hand,
placed her head on his shoulder, and closed her eyes.
they sat still for a few minutes. then he asked
if she wanted anything from the fridge.
i would have some apple cider, she said.
he got them some apple cider. they drank it.
then she said let’s go to bed.
he followed her. they got into bed,
turned the head lamp off, kissed each other good night,
and closed their eyes.
he wondered what was on her mind.
she wondered what was on his mind.
and they kept wondering
until they both
fell asleep.
written 30 November 2010
You’re always somewhere else.
I’m never here.
What is the chance of us ending up
together?
And yet it happened one autumn night
right upon our curious lips,
in between our intertwined fingers,
as the candle flickered to tell us
where we were. I forgot our spacetime
as you slowly broke opened
my heart. You found your way in
and for the first time I felt comfortable
being exposed, vulnerable, explored,
entered. Your growing presence became
more and more filling. I’d never known
I had so much emptiness.
It was my first time
feeling lonely no more
in the world.
Thank you for having brought
my lost little heart home
with yours.
What if you lost me to the other side of the Earth?
What if you were always the dark side of my heart?
We move in the same direction but we never meet
We only share mutual passion in our own heartbeats
What if you left everything behind
while I left everything forward?
Our shoulders touch and I turn away
Only to feel your hand guiding me back right under your face
What if you had left me die in my sleep?
You would stay alive, for me you would weep
One day someone else would come your way
You would reach for her hand and ask her to stay
It will be okay you say, it will be okay
For love to exist only in this fate
We wipe our tears to laugh out loud
Our misery is our eternal vow
We dance, fight, drag each other to the ground
The pain all over my body makes me aroused
As long as you are there I have someone to blame
We play the game of putting each other to shame
I am dead only because you are too
Look how much life we need to go through
Light another smoke, let this day burn out
Let me remember love the way I do now
How deep can our darkness go?
one night
at the junction
of the past and the present
they closed their eyes
and kissed each other
goodbye
written 11 January 2011
I simplify things
that are hard
to remember
or
to forget
With time
they all fade; and I,
among a billion things I create,
turn into nothing
I get it – the blues of voices blurred into a shared distance,
restless eyes upon the prize of recognition
never larger than their own.
It is not the first time I see swollen pride
but it makes me ashamed of myself
to see the mirrors of my species blinding one another.
If only could we drop it
and let us become true,
at least,
to ourselves.
true story
words work like this — your mind walks into their realm — you are surrounded, overwhelmed, lost, curious, intrigued, overjoyed, content, confused, furious, saddened, numb, calm, comfortable, found, perhaps lost again — indefinitely. you can never quite get back to where you once were, but you have never left either.
you take a word, quite casually, then realize it is not for you. it does not come close to describing how you feel and what you mean. you want to put it out, but the void is now a lot more disturbing because a word was once there. (indeed, it is a void only because of that word — the one you took so casually — or it would be just nothingness.) so now you are a lot more serious in your choosing, which scares most words away. those that are not afraid are invisible to your mind’s eyes. the only way to see them is to make yourself invisible as well, to let the you fall into the nothingness of the world before words. perhaps the right word will come to your rescue. just, perhaps.
no promise. words have never promised anybody anything. people make promises with words. words themselves hold no such notion. in fact they do not even hold those things called meanings. meanings are promises people make with words.
you need to express something that is quite universally called love. you think you know it. you think you feel it. you feel that you know it. you feel that you feel it. it is here, it is everywhere, it is you in every which way. you begin to question all your promises. you are not sure if thinkknowfeelyoume means anything. you are not sure what you are. you are not sure why you are not sure, what you are not sure about, and what sure means. oh, this… love thing. it strips away everything and yet it is everything, it is more than everything, it is larger than what words could hold, and so you are completely naked. you have no words for love. love is the only word. perhaps, just perhaps, in the realm of words, there is only one word. there is only…
love
Lily Thanh 