dayfall

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment
i finally knew

the scope
of my world
yes

it is only as big
as the days and nights
framed
within the window panes

i will not dive into it
nor can i run away
from the everyday changing
of lighting

do not
let me escape
this floating scent of alcohol berries
under my throat

i wish you would
hold me down
and kiss me until my eyes bleed
tears

you at seven in the afternoon
left me in some sort of nonsensical dream
i have learned to make myself
delighted

by sitting here
watching the night slowly
disguising the color of my skin
what is its true color will i ever know

i have given in
to the light
and the lack of it
so i could get along with time

my heart and soul
are given to you
i only need to keep this numbness
underneath my eyelids

you keep
inside the same clothing drawer
where your medicine bottles scatter
the gift she gave you

what remains of the life you had before me
and the love you had before me
or perhaps
you still do

i only have my
silence
the temporary escape
as cheap as a six-pack of mood-cooler

the windows of the house at the street’s end
were already lit
i wonder what kind of stories
are going on behind them

do they read like mine
feel like mine
do they make somebody cry
too

there are so many things i do not know
where we are
where we are going
where we are meant to be

it is here
the dark
that will soon reunite me with
my lonely nightmares

Mar 20, 2011

trigger

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

there are times
when all i need is a certain
trigger
that will send me away
in a flash
so i do not have to look back
so i do not have to worry
of what might follow

it is
one thirty-seven in a monday afternoon
and i am just waiting
for that trigger
to click

 

 

 

Mar 7, 2011

letter to you who cried because i was cold

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

that day, the world was beautiful because of you,
but i, long before the dawn, knew there would be no hope
in staying, and yes, i think you are my world
when i am with you. but that is not the point,
that is not the point at all. the origin of our feelings
had nothing to do with where we were going,
nothing to do with the saddest of days and nights,
and the tears that we shed at the wrong times,
and the loving words we spoke at the few times
when we thought we were in love. there were moments
and there were others. i could not carry you at all times
in my conscience. do you understand? i do not hate you, no,
it is quite the contrary. much so quite the contrary.
i do not need anybody else in the name of fairness
and common sense. but i do want you. times when i
thought everything was coming to an end i
thought of you, wanting to rush to you and say
“i love you” exactly how i used to wish someone,
just one, only one, would say it to me.
but the current of life and this shameful desire to live
always dragged me back, not letting me leave.

i do not mean to make you wait until the lights go off
to bare my soul to you,
to overwhelm you with undivided attention
(not the kind i have always given you in our presence,
but one that gives you the strongest sense of eternity,
the only time when death loses its charm and power.)
i do not mean to bring those tears upon your eyes.
but grief makes a person whom he is
while happiness makes him whom he thinks he wants to be.
are you whom you want to be? are you when i am holding you tight
in my arms, hearing my breath pacing against your heartbeats?

when i am with you
i am not whom i am or whom i want to be
but exactly what i must be if life is real, and death is also real,
and nothing else matters but the truth of you.

you asked me with tears down at your throat how i felt about you
how i truly felt about you, not how i thought you would want to be perceived. so here it is.
i am sorry that there are and always will be
disappointments. but disappointments, more often than not,
are so much needed for us not to lose touch with our truest feelings,
don’t you think?

 

 

Feb 26, 2011

Narcissistic Poet

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment
ย 
mother.-

“why can you spend so much time
writing all this sappy bullcrap
but cannot study hard
to get good
grades?”

math teacher, senior high school.-
“why do you write such good poetry
but suck so bad
at math?”

acquantainces/maybe friends, anygradeinanyschool.-
“hey
your poetry sounds pretty good
i just
don’t understand
what you are trying
to say.”

writing instructor, free elective course, college.-
“your poetry is really good
for someone whose first language is
not english.”

lover.-
“you are good at writing poetry,
but besides that,
you just seem clueless
almost
dumb
most of the time
you cannot hear
what i say
nor can you understand
much of it.
it seems like
you are lost
in your own world,
have conversation with me
in your head.”

i want to blame all these people
for making me think
i must be really good
at poetry
for i hardly am
in anything else
that actually
matters.

not to take myself too seriously
Feb 18, 2011

Kiแบฟn Dแปฏ Bแบฅt Kiแบฟn

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

ย (Trรญch tแปซ tแบญp thฦก Nghi thแป‹ phong nguyแป‡t cแปงa Trรกt-tรขy-lแบกp-mแบซu ฤa-ฤ‘a / Tsangyang Gyatso)

Gแบทp Mร  Khรดng Gแบทp

(ฤร o Bแบกch Liรชn dแป‹ch)

Nร ng gแบทp, hay khรดng gแบทp ta
Ta vแบซn แปŸ ฤ‘รขy
Khรดng mแปซng, khรดng lแปฅy

Nร ng nhแป›, hay khรดng nhแป› ta
Tรฌnh vแบซn แปŸ ฤ‘รขy
Khรดng cรฒn, khรดng mแบฅt

Nร ng yรชu, hay khรดng yรชu ta
Yรชu vแบซn แปŸ ฤ‘รขy
Khรดng thรชm, khรดng bแป›t

Nร ng theo, hay khรดng theo ta
Tay ta vแบซn nฦกi nร ng
Khรดng lฦกi, khรดng siแบฟt

Hรฃy ngแบฃ vร o lรฒng ta
Hoแบทc lร 
dร nh cho ta mแป™t chแป— trong trรกi tim nร ng

Bรฌnh lแบทng yรชu nhau
รขm thแบงm thฦฐฦกng tฦฐแปŸng.

ย ย 

Seeing, but not seeing

Translated by Lily Thanh circa 2012

Whether or not you see me,
I am here
not overwhelmed with joy, not overly sad

Whether or not you miss me,
my longing is here
not lingering, not gone

Whether or not you love me,
my love is here
no more, no less

Whether or not you are with me,
my hands remain with you
not gripping, not loosening

Fall into my arms
or
save me a place within your heart;

Love each other in quietude
with emotions and imaginations in utmost silence.

you

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

night
flows peacefully over me
as i sink further
from the surface of the sea

i cannot
see you
any more

you
you of the beauty that cuts through my heart
you of a million years i have been waiting
not having known i would finally meet you
you of the last melody that brought me to tears
i always thought i could no longer cry
you
moved me

i never imagined
i would love someone like you
love anyone the way i loved you
never thought
i would ever dream of the ocean
and its waves of the darkest moments

i would have lost
my final argument
had the first light of dawn caught my eyes

love
felt so kind
unlike other emotions that i
learned
to feel

you
i am sorry
i never told you
it was my last kiss
i could ever give
i am sorry
i could not have given you all of me
though i devoted to you more of me
than i possibly could have to any soul
alive or dead

you
how could you ever
belong to this world

i missed you so terribly
i almost turned around
to run into your arms
but there was no star out tonight
to guide me back to you
i
lost it

you
will always be
my
and my only
love

dear lord

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

dear lord,

please

take me back
to where I do not belong

take me away
from where I do not belong

Strength

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

I read the words of others to collect the necessary mentality of strength to know how to deal with you,
because you love me and I love you, but in the event where both of us seem to lose touch with the earth
I need help to catch up with my falling soul and to fight the tricks it has against me,
so we could eventually be saved and sent off to the next round of uncertainties
in this episode of brutal love, one that claims itself to be the last in both of our lives,
only to see us almost left dead on the dried ground of emotions
under the sky that has been missing its rains of reason
for a very long time.

Nightsleep

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

I like sleeping with your arm under my head,
you holding me close to the skin above your heart,
occasionally running your fingers through my hair.

Sometimes I turn away from you
only to enjoy more the warmth of your embrace from behind my back.

I like it when you rest your head over my chest.
I love the way our fingers intertwine.
I like breathing in your familiar scent.
I like sensing your presence around me
especially when I first open my eyes in the morning
to see you right there.

Many times the comfort makes me not want to wake up,
so I could stay right by your side for a little longer, and a little longer.
I wish those moments had extended into eternity
as long as eternity involves you,
as long as your heart involves me.

Tonight, once again, just seems like a very silly joke
with me lying on my bed without you next to me.
How am I going to feel in the morning
if my heart already aches this way at night?

I want to crawl back into your arms.
Sleep like a baby with you.
I want to feel you as my world,
one completely separated from the one that is separating us.

Promise to Self

~ Lily ~ Leave a comment

next time
I see a train coming fast enough
I will not
fail